Forfeiting the birthright to your higher purpose
How relationships with unsafe people suck the life out of you
Answering "Who are safe people?" seems so rudimentary, but it's not easy. Especially when you're not given a framework or principles with which to enter into relationships. In the beginning, it seems like most people are "safe."
For a lot of heart-centered humans, there's an underlying current of trust or hope that flows between them and others. You see and want to believe the best in others. Maybe you're low on skepticism (repressed Enneagram 6) and/or you're high on idealism (Enneagram 1,4,7).
That is until yellow or red flags pop up that you brush off, explain away, actively repress, or worse, allow them to make you question whether or not you're the unsafe one. You start to question your own sanity, all the while, putting yourself in harm's way and actively maintaining this sense of trust and hope (that, by the way, improves nothing). Friend, there are no rewards for being the most hopeful one. There are no rewards for upholding your OWN projected image of a "good person" onto someone who hasn't earned your hope or trust (even if they are, actually worthy of it, but you haven't yet been able to truly determine so).
And the part that feels the most tragic to me is: if you are throwing your energy and effort away to coping with this connection, you are forfeiting the birthright to your higher purpose. You become an empty shell. Your truest, most genius self fades into the background. And this is not what I want for you.
This reminds me so much of what I've witnessed regarding the core desires of heart-centered Types. I've seen it played out like this template:
I want to be [all-loving] [all-understood] [all-_____ (enter your desire here)] so I actively project my own desired self-image onto someone else by either actively trying to [love] [understand] [ _____ ] them OR I attribute my deepest desired self-image as THEIR inherent quality.
There's a lot more to projection than that obviously, but my point is that when you aren't safe, you may, as a coping mechanism, project your OWN desired self-image onto the other person so that you don't have to do the MUCH HARDER WORK of admitting that you aren't safe or [loved] [understood] [ ____ (yours here)] and GETTING THE HECK OUTTA THERE.
That being said, if you want guidance regarding this much harder work, I recommend connecting with my colleague
who is majorly contributing to the world of navigating relationship (even friendship) loss and breakups.The real work is not to heal the relationship or the other person, but to heal your own wound that placed you in the relationship in the first place. And THEN, just as hard IMHO, to deal with the painful transmutation into an integrous human who actively uses their framework and guiding principles for who is safe and who is not ... all the while confronting the consequences of not living like that this entire time. (And in the light of personality science, who is safe or not can differ, more on that some other time.)
I'm going to pause now to distinguish between not-safe people and the perfectly imperfect humans this social world is comprised of. I am not calling for some kind of perfectionism in relationship. Surely, breaks and repairs are part of normal and healthy relationship cycles that strengthen bonds. I am not exempt from damaging or disrupting or even dodging cherished relationships. But part of the problem with heart-centered humans is that they are so wildly self-aware that their flaws become a fixation, ultimately shifting from "I'm keenly aware there is a problem here" to "I AM the problem,", especially under the right conditions (i.e. relationship with unsafe people). There is a line between taking responsibility for your part and blaming yourself entirely. Where is it for you?
What I'm speaking of is interpersonal trauma and damage without restorative REPAIR. I use this term around my son instead of the worn-out old paradigm of "Go say sorry!" When he is upset at a break in one of his relationships, I invite him to the question, "Is there an opportunity for a repair?" No shame. No blame. No people-pleasing. Just ... what opportunity exists here inside of this relationship?
If there's one thing I hope to see my son exemplify as an adult (aside from being who he TRULY is from the inside-out), is how to create and maintain healthy, thriving relationships that call him into deeper and more purposeful expression and contribution as a human being. And that's simply because I want him to be love and truly feel loved. I hope he lives a life free of generational cycles of trauma so that his life can be his own.
And I want this for you, too. I want your life to BE YOUR OWN. Unensnared by people pleasing, projection, and fixations on low-value, high-risk, high-cost relationships.
Being with such a safe person myself, I can look back and see the fruits of entering into a relationship that is safe, especially in contrast. One gift is that I am able to give myself wholeheartedly to this Work. We are both lucky to have you, Scott Cejka.
That being said, this book - Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - is the best I've found on the subject matter. This book, or the like, should be required reading for high schoolers IMHO. It changed my life. The Christian foundation the Ph.D. authors use in this book does not detract from being able to actively apply and use the outlined principles that allow you to answer the question, "Who is a safe person?" ... no matter what your belief system is.
Take what resonates and leave the rest. If you are struggling with any of the issues I've discussed here, I recommend reading this book (or listening as I did). It's validating and supportive beyond belief.
Champion of your aligned success,
Kristy
ps. Did you know? I’m offering 6 months of live, 1-on-1 weekly Empowered Alignment sessions for high-level purpose-driven leaders so they can step into their soul-igniting callings this year. I’m using my purpose-alignment framework and all the juicy systems you love. Sign up here.
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