Why It's Easier to Show Up for Others Than Yourself
The Paradox of Unapologetic Support
Hey there, lovely souls of this Express to Exist email series! 💫
Today, we're diving deep into a topic that tugs at the heartstrings of many … especially those of us who fall into the heart-centered types of the Enneagram: Types 2, 4, and 9 (raise your hand 👋🏻 [comment below] if you are a dominant 2,4, or 9 or these types are strong in your Enneagram report). It's all about your remarkable ability to show up for others unapologetically, yet often struggling when it comes to extending the same level of love and care towards yourself.
Picture this: You're the unsung hero, the shoulder to lean on, the one who always knows what to say, and the pillar of support for your friends, family, or colleagues. You excel at it! You're the person everyone turns to in times of need. You advocate for them, help them land that dream job, and ensure they're walking on clouds of confidence.
But, ah, there's the paradox. While you're busy championing others and celebrating their victories, where does that leave your own dreams, desires, and well-being? In the shadows, perhaps?
And what becomes of your own dreams and where is the propensity for you to show up for your same with the same confidence, charisma, and gusto?
Let's get into the heart of this beautiful, albeit tricky, paradox.
The Pain of Neglecting Yourself
Now, here's the rub. For heart-centered Types 2, 4, and 9, it's second nature to pour their heart and soul into others. They excel at seeing the beauty and potential in everyone around them. They readily offer the support, encouragement, and unwavering loyalty that many yearn for.
But what happens when it comes to offering the same to themselves? That's where it gets complicated.
Self-neglect can manifest in different ways:
Prioritizing Others: You're so busy standing up for others that you often forget to stand up for yourself. Your aspirations take a backseat while you work tirelessly to fulfill someone else's dreams.
Self-Doubt: You doubt your abilities and worth, despite being a beacon of confidence for others. You might question if you're truly deserving of the same love and care you generously give.
Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly being there for others can lead to emotional fatigue. You might find yourself drained, unable to summon the same enthusiasm for your own pursuits.
The Enneagram and Primary Motivations
The Enneagram, that powerful tool we've explored here in-depth, reveals your primary motivations … the driving forces that shape your behavior, thoughts, and emotions.
ENNEAGRAM 2
The Helper's core desire is to be loved and wanted. They're the ultimate nurturers, going to great lengths to meet the needs of others, often at the expense of their own desires. If this is you, you’ll shelf your needs and dreams … or even become totally consciously unaware of them … until the symptoms of self-neglect become so overwhelming that you have no choice but to address them emergency-style.
How easy it is to love someone you care about into their highest good.
How hard it is to love yourself into your highest good.
It's often easier for Type 2s to channel their love and care towards others, nurturing them into their highest good. However, when it comes to doing the same for themselves, it can be incredibly challenging. But here’s the transformative truth: it is possible.
So how can you, as a Type 2, start becoming more aware of your own needs and dreams and set boundaries with those you deeply care for? Think of it as the "buckle your own seatbelt first" analogy:
Tips for Enneagram Type 2s who long to transition into soul-igniting careers, contributions, and callings:
Dream Awareness: Start by acknowledging that your dreams and passions are just as valid and worthy as anyone else's. Recognize that embracing them doesn't mean you care any less for others; it means you're honoring your true self. Become aware of what you're truly passionate about.
Set Boundaries with Love: Understand that setting boundaries is an act of self-love, especially when it comes to protecting the precious time and energy needed to chase your dreams. Communicate your boundaries with love and clarity to your loved ones, explaining that you're pursuing a path that aligns with your deepest passions and aspirations. Let them know that these boundaries are essential for your own growth and well-being. When you prioritize self-love and self-care, you'll discover that you become an even greater source of love and support for others. Your cup is full, and you can share from the overflow.
Allocate Time for Self-Care and Passion Projects: Just as you dedicate time and energy to help others, allocate time for your needs and dreams. It might be signing up for a course or activity that fulfills you, scheduling regular moments of self-reflection, or practicing self-compassion. By making this commitment, you'll ensure you're in a better position to support others in the long run.
Prioritize Your Dream Career: Make self-love a priority by pursuing your dream career transition with vigor and determination. By prioritizing your own dreams and ambitions, you'll find renewed energy and enthusiasm to support others on their journeys. Your passion becomes a beacon of inspiration for all.
Energy Leak Check: Pay close attention to situations or relationships that drain your energy excessively. These are often signs of overextending yourself for others while neglecting your own needs. Practice body scans or somatic awareness to notice when you're ignoring your own needs. Somatic awareness can help you detect physical sensations like tension or fatigue that indicate you're neglecting self-care.
ENNEAGRAM 4
The Individualist's heart longs for uniqueness and authenticity. They're the creatives, forging emotional connections and guiding others through their struggles. Yet, they can grapple with self-doubt and a feeling of "otherness."
The Individualist's core desire is to find their unique identity and significance, often retreating into their inner world when they sense friction or hardship. They possess a deep sense of individuality and are often drawn to creative and artistic pursuits. Type 4s, especially with a 5 wing, tend to be introverted, often leaning towards INFP personalities, known for their deep introspection.
How easy it is to support others in their authentic and unique self-expression.
How hard it is to extend the same compassion and acceptance toward your own unapologetic expression (especially when it comes to your big dreams).
Type 4s often excel at encouraging others to express their genius and individuality. Yet, when it comes to their own self-acceptance and embracing their unique gifts, they can face profound challenges, sometimes withdrawing into introspection. But here’s the liberating truth: it is possible.
So how can you, as a Type 4 with your introspective nature, begin to honor your own authentic perspective and voice, follow your passion projects, and transition into callings that truly resonate with your individuality?
Enneagram Type 4, Let’s explore this path to realizing your dreams:
Embrace Your Uniqueness: Recognize that your individuality is a gift. Your distinctive perspective and creativity are valuable assets. Embrace your quirks, passions, and unique qualities as strengths.
Define Your Dreams: Take time to clearly define your dreams and aspirations. What kind of career or contribution would truly fulfill you? Write down your goals and visions to give them clarity and substance.
Engage in Regular Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to recharge your emotional energy. Create a self-care routine that nourishes your mind, body, and spirit. This will help you maintain balance and resilience.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Seek out friends and mentors who appreciate your uniqueness and support your aspirations. Surrounding yourself with a supportive community can provide encouragement and inspiration.
Overcome Perfectionism: Be aware of your perfectionistic tendencies. Understand that it's okay to make mistakes and experience setbacks on your journey. Perfectionism can hinder your progress; embrace imperfection as part of the creative process. (Thanks Simone Seol for this permission.) Ask yourself daily “What is IMPORTANT” so you can get to the quintessence of what your next step is without overwhelm.
Transmute (or Fully Process) Emotions into Action: Instead of withdrawing when faced with challenges or emotional turmoil, channel your emotions into constructive action. Use your deep emotional insights to fuel your creativity and drive. If you can’t, then fully process your emotions through somatic practices so you can move on and take important action.
ENNEAGRAM 9
Type 9 individuals, often known as The Peacemakers, possess a unique ability to harmonize and bring tranquility to their surroundings. Their core desire is to maintain inner and outer peace, which sometimes leads them to self-forget and prioritize comfort over meaningful action.
They tend to shy away from conflict, and their somatic awareness is often clouded by their tendency to suppress their own needs and desires. To make a transition into careers and contributions that truly light them up, Type 9s need to awaken to their true desires, confront discomfort, and find balance in their lives.
Somatic Awareness: Explore somatic experiencing techniques like mindfulness, body scans, or yoga. These practices can help you become more aware of your body and emotions, allowing you to connect with your true needs and desires.
Mindful Self-Soothing: Be mindful of how you self-soothe. Instead of using excess materialism or creature comforts as a way to cope with discomfort, practice healthy self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or engaging in activities that genuinely bring you joy.
Identify Blocks: Take an honest look at the blocks that stand between you and your dream career or contribution. Are there particular comfort-seeking behaviors or material distractions that hinder your progress? Identifying these barriers is the first step in overcoming them. Use the CTFAR model here to really get what you want.
Small Steps to Meaning: Start by taking small, manageable steps toward your dream career or contribution. Breaking down your goals into achievable tasks can make the transition less overwhelming.
Rediscover Your Desires: Take the time to reconnect with your own desires and dreams. It's easy for Type 9s to lose themselves in the needs and desires of others. Reflect on what truly excites and fulfills you. Take note (literally, write it down!) of the little sparks of interest that come up throughout the day. Keep tabs and keep checking back in on the list.
Seek Support: Don't hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Like 4s, 9s tend to retreat or withdraw instead of reaching out with a worthiness-vibe for support. Others can provide guidance, encouragement, and accountability as you work towards your goals. It’s just one quick reach-out to ask for a little help, even if it’s shadowing someone doing something. you’re interested in. I guarantee they’ll be happy to help.
Navigating the Unapologetic Paradox
For those who lead with their hearts, their world is colored by feelings and the pursuit of emotional connections. Whether you identify as an Enneagram Type 2, 4, or 9, you understand the value of love, approval, and recognition in your relationships and your sense of purpose. You perceive through the lens of HEART Intelligence, allowing you to be receptive, open, and authentically in tune with your emotions.
But here's the paradox: While you excel at offering unwavering support, love, and understanding to others, you may sometimes struggle to extend the same to yourselves. You find it easy to love someone you care about into their highest good, yet you might discover that loving yourself into your highest good feels like an uphill climb.
So, how can you navigate this complex paradox and truly show up for yourself BIG and unapologetically with the same kind of energy you do others?
Recognize Your Own Needs: Just as you have an innate ability to identify the needs of others, train your heart to recognize your own desires and aspirations. Understand that this isn't selfish; it's an act of self-love. Your needs and dreams are just as valid and worthy as anyone else's.
Embrace Imperfection: Acknowledge that it's perfectly normal not to have all the answers for yourself. Approach your own flaws and insecurities with the same compassion and understanding you offer to others. You are beautifully imperfect, just like every other human being.
Practice Self-Compassion: Replace self-criticism with self-compassion. Speak to yourself kindly, with the same warmth and gentleness you reserve for a cherished friend. Treat yourself as your own best friend on this journey of self-discovery.
Set Boundaries: Understand that setting boundaries is an act of self-love and self-preservation. It's perfectly acceptable to say "no" when your well-being is at stake. Boundaries are essential for maintaining your own health, happiness, and sense of self-worth. And last, but not least …
Reflect on the "Why" of Self-Support: Consider a scenario where you wholeheartedly and unhesitatingly support someone else.
Activity:
Now, ask yourself: What is different in this situation compared to when you contemplate offering the same support to yourself? Are these emotions justified, or are they products of conditioning and self-imposed expectations? Dive deep into the "why."
Examine the tension you experience. Are you hiding from something or avoiding consequences? By honestly addressing these questions, you'll uncover the motivations behind self-neglect.
Ask yourself what you might be hiding from or avoiding by neglecting your own well-being.
Is it the fear of disappointing others? Or perhaps, it's the consequences you anticipate, such as change, uncertainty, or stepping out of your comfort zone.
To my heart-centered Types 2, 4, and 9, remember that you possess an incredible gift—the ability to love, support, and uplift others in a way that's genuinely transformative.
But don't forget to be your own biggest champion. You deserve the same unwavering support, boundless love, and unapologetic care that you give so freely to the world.
Keep shining your beautiful light, both outward and inward. 💖
xoxo,
Kristy Fountain
psst. I offer 2 types of support for you heeding the call:
THIS WILD WAY: Apply for Brand Development (soul-aligned business development, brand identity, portraits, and web design).
KRISTY FOUNTAIN: Register for Empowered Alignment Coaching (soul-aligned being).